Life After Divorce :: What I have learned


(Last Updated On: August 30, 2021)
Life After Divorce

The change of seasons is a natural moment for introspection. Our surroundings are slowly but steadily coming to life, changing on a daily basis. Making little changes that are imperceptible to the naked eye yet add up to incredible beauty. Whether it’s the spring blooms, the autumn foliage, or the winter hibernation. Seasons have a mind of their own. Over and over, day after day, year after year. Blooming, thriving, falling, and “being” quietly until another cycle begins and the glory of new life continues.

How does life change after divorce?

Spring is not just my favourite season, but it also marks an anniversary for me. My divorce was finalized in late May 2012, and it will be three years coming Spring. Three years. Three years?! How is that possible? Looking back on the last three years is like to looking back on how quickly my children have grown. I’m a little taken aback. Astonishment and disbelief. How could these newborns have grown into young lads and tiny men right before my eyes when I see them every day? How did three years go by so quickly?

The amount of growth and change that a newborn baby goes through in his or her first year of life is incredible. Within the first three years of life, a newborn evolves from its first, precious breath into a tricycle-riding, button-pushing crazy-face. You may not see the progress on a daily basis, but when you look back over a month, a season, or a year, you can clearly see the talent and advances that have blossomed. The same is true for life after divorce, from small steps to teetering spills to the desire to keep pushing yourself up (only to fall down again).

I can’t believe it’s been three years. Last week, I sat in a parent meeting with my ex-husband and gently patted both of our backs for how far we’ve come in the last three years. It’s beneficial to us. It’s been a difficult journey (that doesn’t finish with the wedding), but one that we’ve made it through and will continue to grow into. Without the support, wisdom, and anonymous love I received from the community at The Smart DivorceOpens in a new tab., the ups and downs, twists and turns of those years would have been a lot more difficult to get through. Divorce is not something you prepare for or expect in your life, but the community I found here helped me summon internal strength again and over again — before, during, and after. When I was going through my divorce, I didn’t know anyone who had gone through one, or at least not anyone I knew well enough to lean on. And what I discovered through my tears and vulnerability was the individual and collective power of strangers who somehow came together to create this safety net of open arms that I knew would catch me if I fell (which I did). Several times.) Their words, guidance, and encouragement instilled in me the strength to keep going. To get myself back on my feet.

I know I can still count on that community at The Smart Divorce as I learn to navigate life after divorce. I have my own inner compass, my heart, and the memories of those who have gone before me on that path. They’ll act as guides for me throughout the next stage of my adventure. I’m looking forward to the new roads and undiscovered land that lie ahead of me.

As a result, it is my honest aim to offer new hope to others who are just beginning or are in the thick of their divorce journey. To be able to return even a small piece of what had been so generously given to me: the assurance that you will get through this, that you are not alone, and to offer the sense of open arms to catch you if – and when – you fall. Nobody is as good as the rest of us.

As the seasons’ change and my upcoming anniversary approaches, I’d like to share one thought: What has been dormant will re-bloom. You’ll learn to crawl before walking, and then walk before running. Putting one foot in front of the other is the only way to go. You will get the ability to communicate. To speak one word at a time. Day after day, the expansion continues. Season after season, after season. You may not believe you have the answers, but you do. You’re aware. It’s possible that you won’t see it at first. However, when you look in the mirror one spring morning, you will see a wonderful person who has emerged from dormancy. It’ll be as lovely as the scent of spring blossoms floating through the crisp, fresh air.

Life continues to go on.

Do you want to find happiness after your divorce?

How do I start my life over after divorce?

There are numerous techniques to ensure your happiness, and they change for each individual. However, there are some essential lifelong actions and attitudes that will assure you experience a baseline degree of happiness throughout your life. Being able to be pleased by yourself, having self-compassion, and comprehending the concept of synthetic happiness are three of these basic concepts.

Is life better after divorce?

Life After Divorce

Being alone is a good state in which we are at ease with ourselves and like spending time with ourselves. Many people live wonderful lives despite being alone. Being by yourself can have its benefits. The creative person yearns for solitude. Writing, building, painting, or any other creative process can only take place when we create a location where we can be alone. It’s tough to meditate, affirm yourself, or do any other self-work unless you’re alone and focused on yourself. Additionally, strengthening our spirituality necessitates private dialogues and prayer.

Loneliness is a bad state in which one feels excluded, disenfranchised, or left out. There is an empty space that must be filled. At a young age, it is critical to cultivate the ability to be alone with yourself. Young people exhibit mood swings and a strong desire to be busy. They are bored and restless all of the time, to the point of being miserable for no apparent cause. Their self-esteem suffers when they are not sought after and included in all of their peers’ activities.

How difficult is life after divorce?

Their, and our, task is to reach a point where we are at ease in solitude and recognise its merits for personal development. This implies that you must be in a place where you like, if not adore, yourself. You might begin to feel at ease when you are alone by planning activities to do while you are alone. Writing, reading, painting, exercising, sewing, enrolling in a class to learn something new, meditating, or caring for a pet are examples of these activities. The important thing is that you spend time with yourself doing things you enjoy. You can also spend time alone meditating on or thinking about joyful memories in your life, brainstorming a new idea or solution to a problem, or viewing a good movie. Soon, you’ll enjoy the peace and delight that comes from simply being with oneself.

How do I start my life over after divorce?

Compassion: Everyone wants to be treated with respect. The issue is that it is impossible for everyone to be above average at the same time by definition. Despite the fact that we excel in some areas, there is always someone smarter, more attractive, and more successful. When we finally recognise a defect or shortcoming, or when we are not at our best, most of us are really hard on ourselves. So, what is the solution? To develop compassion for ourselves and to quit judging and evaluating ourselves.

Dr. Kristin Neff and her colleagues at the University of Texas conducted study on self-compassion, finding that it is a strong tool for achieving emotional well-being and contentment, as well as avoiding harmful patterns of fear, negativity, and isolation. When we use self-compassion to calm our anxious minds, we’re better able to recognise what’s good as well as what’s wrong, allowing us to focus on what brings us joy.

Life After Divorce

Self-compassion has three main components, according to Neff. To begin, we must practise self-kindness, being patient and understanding with ourselves rather than being harshly critical and judgemental. Second, it necessitates an awareness of our common humanity, a sense of being connected to others in life rather than feeling separated and alienated by our pain. Third, it necessitates mindfulness, or the ability to keep our experiences in a state of balanced awareness rather than dismissing or exaggerating them. To be authentically self-compassionate, we must acquire and integrate these three fundamental elements.

Will I ever be happy after divorce?

This indicates that pleasant feelings of self-compassion are not contingent on being exceptional or exceeding ideal goals. Instead, they stem from a desire to care for ourselves, flawed and beautiful as we are. Rather than comparing ourselves to others in a never-ending comparison game, we appreciate what we have in common with them and feel more connected and entire as a result.

It takes effort to break a lifetime of self-critical tendencies. At the end of the day, all you have to do is relax, accept life as it is, and open your heart to yourself. It’s not as difficult as you would imagine, and it has the potential to revolutionize your life.

How bad is divorce?

Dr. Dan Gilbert, a Harvard psychologist,Opens in a new tab. claims that you “synthesize” your own happiness. This means you have a “psychological immune system” that aids you in changing your perspectives on your environment in order to feel better about it. When we don’t receive what we desire, we manufacture synthetic happiness, and when we do, we feel natural bliss. They come from diverse places, yet their feelings aren’t always dissimilar. Neither is clearly superior to the other. Not only that, but he claims that when we think about what can make us happy, such as new clothes or winning the lotto, our brains are almost always inaccurate in predicting that these things will make us happy. Indeed, studies demonstrate that paraplegics are equally as happy as lottery winners a year after being injured or winning the lottery, according to Gilbert.

Life After Divorce

We have a tendency to believe that obtaining things such as a job, a new automobile, or a round-the-world vacation will make us happy. However, studies have shown that we may make ourselves happy merely by imagining that we are happy, according to Gilbert. As a result, acquiring what we want has little to do with happiness. Yes, a new house or a new partner will make you happier, but only to a certain extent and for a limited time. People aren’t very adept at forecasting what will make them happy or how long that enjoyment would endure, as it turns out. Positive events are expected to make them far happier than they actually are.

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The surprising science of happiness | Dan Gilbert

Your prefrontal brain, according to Gilbert, acts as an experience simulator, allowing you to envisage an experience in your head before trying it out in real life. The issue is that your simulator isn’t very good. In actuality, getting or losing anything has far less impact and lasts a far shorter time than you imagine. The event (or thing) has almost little effect on your happiness after three months.

Furthermore, Gilbert claims that the assumption that being able to change your opinion will boost your happiness is absolutely wrong. Your “psychological immune system” works best when you’re completely stuck, with no way out and no alternative options, since that’s when your mind can find a way to be content with your current situation. People become upset when they have too many options and are unable to be satisfied with the final decision they make.

Happiness has been synthesized by me. I did not choose or want to be blind, but when confronted with my new reality, I discovered that there is a whole new life waiting for me on the other side. And I’ve discovered a lot of positive aspects of my new existence. I’ve even discovered a couple of things that are superior to what I had previously. This does not imply that I am delusional or lying to myself. I am, and you will learn things you didn’t know you didn’t know you didn’t know you couldn’t know until you were in that new life. You can search for things that will improve your new life; you will discover them, and they will bring you joy.

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