I remember when my oldest daughter graduated from college. Since my ex had parenting time with our young son that weekend, he drove with our son to the college several hours away and I drove with our other daughter. When my daughter and I arrived at the older daughter’s college residence, I was surprised to discover that my former brother-in-law who I had once been very close to had shown up from another state and was sitting on the front porch with my ex. Since he had quit speaking to me early on during the divorce, the pain and anger I felt came to the surface.

Biting the insides of my cheeks to keep my emotions in check, I spent the time before the graduation ceremony in another part of the house and then ended up sitting at the graduation with my daughter’s roommate’s mom and her relatives- on the opposite side from where my ex, son, other daughter and former brother-in-law were all sitting together.

Setting boundaries with the EX for your child’s next special event?

Here are a few things to keep in mind:

Think of your ex as a very difficult business associate- You know, the one who steals the limelight for your hard work, waits till the very last minute to tell you something important and who forms secret alliances in the men’s room to report every small mistake you make to the people in power. As much as you would like to smack him with a stapler to make a point, you choose not to because business is business!

Insist on Respectful and Civil Communication- If you and your ex had to deal with each other about a business matter, establishing a mental separation can help you communicate clearly and get your critical points across in a well-defined and civil manner, avoiding emotional confrontations. By thinking about what potential hot-spots you may encounter and deciding ahead of time what specific actions you will immediately take when your ex crosses into your individual space, you’ll find it easier to focus on your child and less on worrying that an argument will erupt.

Remember that your Personal Life Belongs to You – Now that the ties of marriage have been broken, it’s up to you to claim and insist on your privacy through maintaining a mental distance. Remember that you no longer need to explain things to your ex or defend your decisions—those days are over, which makes avoiding interaction crucial. Consistently enforce the rules of engagement that all communication with your ex needs to be related to your children’s specific needs or necessary financial transactions so that anything else your ex brings up is off-limits and merits an immediate time-out.

Cut Off the Oxygen Flow from Everyone else’s Opinions- It’s very common to engage in discussions with relatives and friends, sharing your anger and frustrations during the nerve-fraying times of stress that accompany separation and divorce. However, once the divorce is over, many of these same people will continue to offer their advice and opinions about your ex’s actions and behaviors. Although these may be tempting to listen to, opinions and advice from relatives and friends keeps adding more fuel to the firestorm of emotions you have previously experienced. Resist the urge to find out more about your ex’s current life, maintaining an emotional distance, and encourage your relatives and children to refrain from sharing unnecessary details. Less truly is more, and minimizing unnecessary exchanges proves beneficial in the long run.