What do I want?

Here’s my partial list off the top of my head:

I want to be independent and strong both emotionally and financially.
I want to build a stable, strong, loving environment for my children.
I want to make time for good friends and family.
I want a job that engages me.
I want to focus on the positives, control what I can, let go of what I can’t and keep my eye on the big picture.

I feel I’m accomplishing most of these, working on them or have a plan to get there.

So, why is it so much harder to answer about a romantic relationship?

I started my divorce, and two years later, still feel certain on what I do not want. I don’t want to get married. I don’t want to live with a man. I don’t want to blend families or find a replacement ‘father’ for my kids. In the words of Jerry Maguire, I don’t want anyone to ‘complete me.’ I’m complete by myself, thank you very much.

Two years later, some of the high-level wants are a bit clearer. I do want someone who makes me laugh, challenges me, supports me, yet doesn’t consume or smother me. Someone I can love. But I’m not in a rush. I’m not going to force it.

The question that has perplexed me the most is… what do I want from him? What are my expectations of him?

I started with… nothing. Absolutely nothing. I just want a cute, sexy, fun man to spend time with… when I feel like it. (I know, not the nicest way to paint things.)

Then, a relationship happened. Can I let it just happen? Clear of expectations? I kinda have been. But this nagging question seems to keep coming up inside me.

What… do I… want? Especially if I’m not asking to intertwine our lives. Am I asking for a casual relationship 10 months in? No. Not unless I start over. Do I want a full-blown-moving-towards-marriage relationship? No. I think I covered that already. So, what’s in-between? How do we live separate lives… together? Especially if I want us to pursue our separate interests and prioritize our kids first.

Seem as though I’m talking in circles with direct conflicts. I realize that.

It’s finally come to me though. What I want. Today. It’s about the feeling. It’s all about the connection. That’s what I want. I want the connection.

Someone who wants to spend time with me, regardless if he can.
Someone who wants to make me a priority, even if he can’t.
Someone who wants to share with me, even when it hurts.
Someone who misses me terribly, even though he can’t see me.

Coming from years of uncertain feelings where something didn’t feel quite right, where everything looked right and the right words were spoken… I now want to feel the connection, know it, and not have to question it.

I want the small actions to speak in deafening volumes. Even when we’re being pissy. Even when we’re apart. Even when we make mistakes, times are tough or I want to smother him with his own pillow and he can’t stand to hear my voice.

It’s not about time. It’s not about gifts, vacations or money. It’s about the connection. As my daughter so eloquently put it, “I just want the love I deserve.” It reminds of a song from one of my Dad’s favorite artists, the Kenny Rogers song, “Buy Me a Rose.”

Is that too much to ask?

I guess I’m going to find out. But it’s what I’m aiming for.

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