One of the biggest surprises I learned post-divorce, was the effect that my surroundings had on my state of mind. With spring right around the corner, I think this is important information to share with my readers.
It is possible to eliminate some of the emotional baggage you carry around simply by eliminating some of the physical baggage in your house. Get rid of the clutter! Take advantage of spring cleaning to regain some organization in your household.
It does wonders for your state of mind. Go through your old clothes; give those you don’t need to someone who can use them or to a charity. Clean out your closets, open the windows on warm days, and feel a sense of renewal with every breath of fresh air you take. People often don’t realize just how much their day to day surroundings can impact, positively or negatively, the way they are feeling inside. Often after divorce, we are left surrounded by negative energy. In the midst of our own emotional struggles, household chores often fall to the wayside, and we sometimes feel that we have lost control of our lives.
The good news is, housecleaning does not discriminate! You can use the pent up energy you have, be it frustrated energy, restless energy, or anxious energy and do something positive with it. Rearrange your living room furniture, pick some fresh flowers and pop them in a vase, and simply try to do whatever little and inexpensive things you can to make your home feel more inviting. Creating a peaceful atmosphere by organizing your surroundings and making them more aesthetically pleasing will not only help your state of mind, but it will give your children a sense of well being as well.
I stopped by a friend’s house one day, at her request, while she was undergoing a painful divorce process. The first thing I noticed when I walked in, aside from the look of distress on her face, was the fact that her sink was full of dishes, her laundry was backed up, and paperwork cluttered the counters in her kitchen.
Her main concern that morning was the fact that her children, both elementary aged, were having difficulty concentrating on homework and seemed unable to commit to any task for any length of time. This was a change in behavior that had occurred over the course of the past several months as she was nearing the end of her divorce process. She was concerned that her children were having difficulty coping with her divorce.
The first thing I reminded her was that children will always have some difficulty coping when parents divorce. That is normal and to be expected. There are some effects of divorce over which we have no control, but empowerment comes from recognizing the things we can control. I suggested to my friend that the first, most basic step she could take was to start by taking control of her surroundings.
I helped her wash the dishes, clean the clutter and catch up with the laundry. As she made a pot of coffee, I washed her kitchen floor, cleaned off her countertops, and hung some of the children’s schoolwork on the refrigerator. As we sat together at her kitchen table, she looked around her clean kitchen and thanked me profusely. I could see that although having a clean kitchen didn’t eliminate her worries, the look of distress she wore on her face when I arrived had disappeared, and she was finally smiling as we talked.
I asked her to consider how much better she felt simply by eliminating the clutter in her kitchen. I told her that taking control of her house again and making the effort to keep it orderly and organized would impact her children just as positively as it had her. Children cannot concentrate on homework when their environment is in disarray. Often parents don’t realize that just as we need organization to feel in control, so do our children. We can’t expect children to convey or even to understand that their environment plays a significant role in their ability to stay focused, but as parents, we need to understand its significance.
We spent the rest of the afternoon going through my friend’s house room by room. We packed some things away, re-arranged things that were staying, and gave the house a thorough cleaning. We were careful not to disrupt the children’s rooms, for although a good general cleaning is always a great idea, children need to feel a sense of security, and it is not a good idea to change things around in their bedrooms without their approval.
A child’s bedroom should be a peaceful retreat for them; one that is familiar, safe and comfortable. Divorce brings so many changes to a child’s life that it is important for them to know that their bedroom, their safe haven, will remain the same stable and unchanged environment to which they have become accustomed. Children need to feel a sense of control.
When we finished cleaning, we had a long discussion about the children. I discovered rather quickly that my friend was battling depression, which is so common in parents who have recently divorced, or who are going through the process. I encouraged her to enlist the help of a counselor, reminding her that her frame of mind greatly affects her children’s moods, happiness and ability to concentrate. She told me that she tries her best to act upbeat around her children. Although I’m sure she did try, I reminded her that children have an innate ability to sense when parents are unhappy.
They take non-verbal cues like frowning, sighing, and inactivity as signs that a parent is struggling. My friend always used to look well put together, and she admitted, when the topic came up, that she wears sweats all the time, rarely puts on make-up, and feels tired all the time. Just as I noticed these changes before she admitted them, surely her daughters had noticed too.
She made the phone call while I was there, and she got an appointment for later that week with a counselor. In the weeks that followed, I noticed a significant difference in her outlook on the future. It is amazing how quickly a person’s state of mind can improve when they have someone to vent to on a regular basis. Although the process of coping with life as a single parent wasn’t easy, and she still had her share of down days now and then, for the most part, she was able to look toward the future with renewed hope and optimism. I was so proud of her for taking that first, difficult step.
When her children returned home from school that day, they were excited at the changes that we made to their home! The first thing they noticed was their schoolwork hanging on the refrigerator. They looked at it with pride, and my friend’s oldest daughter, age 9, made a comment to the effect that she didn’t think her mother was proud of her schoolwork anymore.
It brought tears to my friend’s eyes. She hadn’t realized the impact that neglecting to display her daughter’s schoolwork had on her daughter. Certainly, my friend was proud of her daughter’s achievements in school, but she had been feeling too overwhelmed with her own worries to stick to her former routine of displaying it. It simply hadn’t been on her list of priorities, and that prompted her to re-evaluate what her priorities should be. She also realized that this could be part of the reason why her daughter didn’t seem to be putting in the same effort into her schoolwork that she used to.
She had a long talk with both of her girls, and told them that she planned to get back on track. She explained through an open and honest conversation, that it is normal for parents to feel overwhelmed at times, but that her love for her girls remained changed. She told them that she wanted them to join her in working to make a fresh start. She acknowledged how difficult divorce is on children and families, and she promised that they would all pull through this and that happier days were coming.
I suggested that she and her daughters develop a plan for homework. They agreed to block out an hour of time every day after school to have a snack, and sit at the kitchen table together doing homework. My friend made sure that by the time her children came home, the dishes were done, the shades were up, and on warm days, the windows were open.
She worked hard at making small changes that seemed to have a great impact on her children’s ability to stay focused. She stopped answering the phone during homework time, and despite her own struggles as a single parent, she made a commitment to her girls to help them succeed by taking control over their environment, realizing their need for structure, consistency and organization. In addition to developing a consistent homework routine, she developed a routine for herself as well.
She set aside a certain time each day to do a load or two of laundry. She made a schedule to tend to daily chores, and to take a walk when she could.
It has been a year since that visit to my friend’s house. She still sees a counselor, but instead of once a week, she now goes twice a month. She has come to cherish that time to vent, discuss her feelings and frustrations, and seek advice and assistance on ways to plan for her future.
Her children are doing well in school, and she reports that their ability to concentrate has improved dramatically. They are focused, and they are happy. She never realized what a difference a year could make, but she believes that the positive change began with that one day of spring cleaning a year ago. She needed help to get motivated, and to understand the importance of maintaining a pleasant environment as well as a healthy state of mind and the impact both had on her children. She has come to depend on scheduling and task lists as a way to manage her busy life.
I encourage parents to consider making a fresh start this spring. It is never too early or too late to begin implementing positive change in your life. As parents, it is our job to create an inviting home for our children. They have no choice but to live in whatever environment we create. It is our job to make that environment clean, comfortable and relaxing.
We can’t ignore the relationship between emotional clutter and physical clutter. Organizing your surroundings will inevitably make it easier to organize your thoughts, focus on important tasks and priorities and begin looking ahead with a renewed sense of promise.
Your children will benefit not only from the same renewed ability to concentrate and stay focused, but also from the positive changes they see in you. Nothing makes a child happier than the sense of security they get from living with a happy parent.
