Letting go of the shore

by JJ Carson

Relationships go through ebbs and flows, adjustments and evolutions. Changes in life often change your relationship. Not necessarily better or worse, just different from before.

In a marriage, this happens all the time. New houses, new jobs, kids are born, etc. Change can bring periods of disconnect and you have to ‘right the way.’ If you’ve been divorced, you may have mistaken a life change as a brief disconnect and not as the ‘beginning of the end.’ I certainly did. I missed all of the signs, didn’t react to the clues.

Now, I’m starting over – putting all that I have learned to the test. I just wish I had all the answers.

I’m in a new relationship with Mav. It feels very different, very equal and reciprocating. I don’t feel like he’s trying to consume me… or make me disappear. I’m enjoying this new relationship. It’s easy, breezy, fun, sexy… and new. Remember how that feels?

But now, our relationship is starting to mature. Starting to change. Falling for each other is easy. It’s that breath-taking, giddy, can’t-find-enough-hours-in-the-day-to-spend-with-you kind of feeling. No misinterpretations, no wondering how the other feels. You have been prioritized above all else, and you do the same for him.

But, it’s not sustainable. We have to get back to our everyday lives. Decide how to fit each other in with kids, new jobs and new challenges.

As our relationship evolves, some of my old insecurities creep in. In my marriage, I fit all of the warning signs into a neat little box called “evolution” and did nothing about it. Then, I got blindsided. I don’t want to get blindsided again and I’m struggling to trust my own judgment.

Unfortunately for Mav, I find myself staring a little harder, trying to read the tea leaves more carefully as our relationship matures. This may just be a ‘normal change’ but what if it’s not? I’m probably clueless as to how a real one actually feels.

So, I’ll admit, I’ve been going through a period of uncertainty, I’ve been a bit nervous. I don’t like uncertainty. I don’t react well to it. The first signs of uncertainty make me question everything and then worse yet… compare. Compare to the ‘big failure’ that was my marriage.


So, guess what I’ve concluded? I need to stop it.

I can’t love someone halfway. I’m just not built that way. And while I’d really, REALLY like a guarantee, there are no guarantees. When you’re falling for someone – while you may be floating in a bit of a fantasy land – you are still on ‘the shore.’ Once the giddiness changes and it becomes a loving relationship, you start to leave the shore.

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